Maybe love is not all about the sparks and thrill and that feeling of rush and the butterflies in the stomach. Maybe love is nothing exhilarating, but just stable, something you can be confident to always be there, to support, to lean on. Something enduring when the times is not so great, mistakes were made, and doubts are creeping. Maybe love is also how you find a way to overcome these inperfections and emerge with a stronger and better feeling of it. Or maybe, love is about letting go, knowing you have tried everything and it still isn’t enough.
I admit, I am never an expert about these things. Hell, I’ve only encountered that feeling twice in my entire existence. I was always afraid of love. I see it as something that can overrun your thoughts and mind and make yourself impulsive. Something that will cause you to care for more than yourself, and will someday be the death of you. But now, I am not so sure at all. All I know now is that it is truly wonderful and I finally understood why people want to feel love, even after experiencing the pitfalls of that said emotion.
She is the most amazing person in the world. Gradually, I just fell in love with her. (If you want to know more about how I feel about her, check the previous entry.) Today, I think things are going to be over for us, if there was ever an us. It breaks me, reminiscing about all the memories we shared, thinking how she is the only one that makes me feel like I’m on top of the world and the deepest of the ocean at the same time. Sometimes, I think she enjoys being with me too and it would make me feel like I’m the luckiest guy on earth. Seeing her smile, dance her chicken move, and laugh, is just priceless. Yet, since early, she asked me not to make her my world and everything, and I convinced myself that she isn’t, in part, because I feared she would leave as it is not the thing she is looking for, but also, I wanted to protect myself and not show her everything of me.
Until today, I couldn’t convince myself anymore. I couldn’t love someone half heartedly like some guys do. I keep telling myself I am a wimp for that, but I know I couldn’t do that to someone I truly love. That’s why I have never jumped into relationships. I was never ready to love, until her. If I’m gonna fall in love, I will jump in, with both my feet in. I will show her every beauty this life has to offer. I will put her first, above all else. I will give everything for her, including my life. You might think I am exaggerating that last part, for good reasons, as that line is turning such a cliche, but I’m not. I’ve already asked myself that, if I could trade my life for her eternal happiness and for her to get everything her heart desires as long as she lives, would I do that? I found me answering to myself with a resounding yes, no hesitation, even if I won’t be present to see her happy and smiling.
But I guess, all good things must come to an end. I always believed we would survive everything, even major arguments, but silence says a lot. It is heartbreaking. Didn’t have any appetite, didn’t leave bed, and just took some isolation to the world for a day. I wish I could be mad at her, but I couldn’t. All I feel is just thankfulness, that for the past few months, she made me happier than I could ever imagine. I still wish her all the happiness in life, even though I wished I could be the one she’s with as she achieve all those. And as much as she doesn’t want to hear this, she’s everything to me, and I love her, always is and always will.
I have such a strong urge to contact her, let her know everything I am feeling. Tell her how thankful I am that I got to know a once in a lifetime kind of girl. Tell her not to let me go, because I know I can make her happy. But I should respect her privacy.
Love is always accompanied by hurt, but if I had to do it all over again, I would still ask for her number, ask her out, stare at the stars with her, plan a future together, and love her until the day I meet my maker. But now, I must stop.it and let her go, as requested.
Dear reader, don’t be afraid of love, like I did before. Love is a beautiful thing, accept love, give love. Don’t be afraid of some future that might never happen. Don’t deny a chance at happiness, no matter how slim that chance may be. You deserve to love, to be loved, to be happy.
This is going to be the last article I write about her. I just wish some time from now, I could come here and look back at this article with her beside me, laughing and teasing me on how dramatic I could become. Wishful thinking, no?